Delete - it does a body good

So here's a tip that's helped me in past breakups: do not be afraid to delete! Erase all reminders of your ex. Yes, that means delete him from your myspace page (or at least remove him from your top friends list so you don't see him every time you log on). You might have to delete his "showing love" comments separately. Also, delete him from Facebook, from your cell phone contact list, from your inbox. Throw away (or stow away) old photographs. Not easy to do, but trust me it really helps! Removing all traces of him will help you move on. You may not be able to do it all at once, but taking small steps is okay.

Resist the urge

Break ups suck. There is no getting around that. There are couples everywhere and not so long ago you were one of them! I was reminded yesterday why I avoided post-break up blues in the past by rebounding into the next available relationship. I was out with my bff last night at a comedy club. Not a great place for somebody who has just broken up. Though I laughed my ass off, 90% of the crowd there seemed to be on a date, which only reminded me of my ex. To top it off, there were video clips played of a very popular sitcom. One of the characters looks exactly like my ex. UGH.

This was a test. I know it. I continued to resist the urge to rebound. I was not helped by the fact that I received two compliments on my myspace page from local guys. In the past, I would have written back with a quickness and had a few dates lined up for the upcoming weekend. But I deleted both of them and continued to be confident that I'm doing the right thing.

On the flip side, I bumped into two movies that were both excellent reminders of why rebounding bites you in the end. I recommend both of these DVDs without hesitation. The first is "Feast of Love," with Greg Kinnear and Morgan Freeman. Kinnear's character is desperately in search of love and jumps into a disastrous rebound relationship in order to shield himself from the pain of the break up (sound familiar??)


The other film is a Mexican movie called "La Sorpresa," (The Surprise). Another dramatic look at rebound relationships...this time with a twist!Both of these movies should be in the DVD collection of any serial rebounder. If the urge to rebound is particularly strong on any given day, watch these films as a reminder of what NOT to do.

Build a bridge and get over it

I missed him today. The ex.
Even though I was the one that broke it off...preemptive move on my part to avoid getting hurt (it's how I do - though I still end up getting hurt). I miss having him in my life. I miss the plans we made that never came to pass. I miss him.

It was bound to happen. Not uncommon for having broken up four days ago. Our relationship was doomed from jump street. I was on the rebound from a six-month relationship, he was on the rebound from a divorce. Two people on the rebound. Basically a recipe for disaster. I did us both a favor by letting go. Doesn't make it any easier, though.

Thanks to this blog, I don't feel the urge to jump into another relationship or into the dating pool just yet. Unlike the past, I will allow myself the time to mourn this man. However long that takes. Here's an interesting anonymous quote I found online: "Cry a river, build a bridge and get over it." and that's exactly what I will do...

Blame it on the Internet

So here's my theory. The Internet is to blame for the increase in rebound relationships. Hear me out. Back in the day, a person would go through a break up and the process of jumping into a rebound relationship took more time. It involved hitting a few bars, shaking the bootie at a few clubs, going through the Rolodex of exes and past gentleman callers. Fast forward to the present and all it takes for a recently broken up chick to seek solace in a quickie rebound relationship is an uploaded picture and a profile online. It is just too easy. Within a few hours, any decent looking girl can log on to said dating website and be welcomed with a flooded inbox of male prospects.

Speaking of which, that is exactly what I would be doing if I hadn't decided to start this blog! I'm on day three of my anti-rebounding new life and it feels great. When I finally do decide to go back on the dating scene, it'll be because I'm ready to meet somebody new and not because I'm looking to avoid the pain of a recent breakup.

Day Two - Ask why

I once worked for a company where all problems were solved by asking "why" five times. Given how effective this technique was, I thought it a great place to start this journey, no matter how crazy your dating/love life has been. I know my rebound dating antics are hard to beat...for instance, the day of my divorce in court, I witnessed the disastrous end of my five-year marriage. That night? I went out on a date! I kid you not. I'm not proud of my insane behavior, but am thrilled to be making a change.

So here's my stab at the five why's...

1.Why do I run from one relationship to another without giving myself time to process it all?
Because after a breakup, I'm desperately afraid of being by myself.

2.Why am I desperately afraid of being myself?
Because I hate my post-break up behavior: beating myself up over mistakes I've made and time wasted, locking myself up in my room with my iPod sad song playlist, which includes such upbeat crowd pleasers such as "Everybody Hurts," by R.E.M., "Goodbye my Lover," by James Blunt, and every sad Toni Braxton song you can think of, all with uplifting messages such as "I will never breathe again" and "unbreak my heart."

3. Why do I engage in such post-break up behavior?
Because I'm hurting.

4. Why am I hurting?
Because every free minute is spent obsessing over the chronological details of the relationship. Not to mention, I miss the bastard (whomever he may be at that moment!) I'm also scared.

5. Why am I scared?
Because I don't want to be alone.

And there you have it. I jump into relationships immediately after a breakup, because I'm afraid to be alone with my thoughts and dating gives me something to do. It's a distraction, really. Because instead of obsessing over the past, I busy myself with getting to know "the new guy." The problem? I never give myself time to heal or learn from mistakes I've made, which increases my chances of making the same mistakes over and over and over again.

Well, that was less painful than I thought it was going to be! You should try it.

Day One - It's like AA with no meetings or coffee...

A few months ago, I watched a Tyra Banks' episode about dating where one of the experts recommended a 3-month period of datelessness after a breakup. Yes, you read that right: three months! My best friend, who also happens to be right about most things, pointed out that I should try that. I had just ended a six-month relationship with somebody I cared much about, but 3 dateless months seemed unbearable. What's a single girl to do?

I agreed with her and embraced my new datelessness. I'm sad to report I was only able to hang for seven days! You see, my bff was away for the weekend and I was left to my own devices. I posted a profile online at one of my fave dating sites and while she was on a plane, I was secretly preparing for my next date. That date turned into a two month mistake, which I ended today. The results of my time with this guy? Predictable. The results of my last several major relationships which span 10 years worth of men? Also, predictable.

Teaching myself new tricks...
So after a false start, I decided it was time. My relationship approach is clearly not working and if I keep at it, I will find myself in this situation time and time again with nobody to blame but yours truly.

So here goes nothing. I will commence a three-month, by choice, period of datelessness. I will comb through my past (which includes a 5-year rebound marriage, gulp! you see why these things are anonymous) and glean insight I have missed by not taking a break. I will look at patterns and my own behavior to determine why I keep attracting and developing feelings for men that are clearly wrong for me - crap! three months may not be enough time.

Be brave...be very, very brave
Lest you think I'm the only one that can do this, feel free to use this blog as your support on your own anti-rebounding journey! If you've been involved in bad relationships or you continue to attract relationships that are fodder for bad soap operas, perhaps a break would do you some good too. I don't claim to have the answers...hell, I don't even know the questions at this point, but I would welcome any readers that want to join me. Feel free to post comments, thoughts, suggestions, etc without having to reveal who you are. Think of this as your Alcoholic Anonymous meeting of sorts...a place where serial rebounders can come to heal and break the chains of the past! Lofty goals, I know...